I recently traveled to New York for a week - it was actually really cool.  I saw a few shows, I ate at a few good places, went and saw a really big art gallery.  Truth be told, I'm not someone who habitually hangs out in the art scene; I can't draw or paint, I can barely write - but my dad wanted to go, so the family obliged.  

Now, there were a lot of period pieces, a lot of oriental pieces; but what really resonated with me were the portraits - any portraits.  Because with portraits, there's something there that you can never know - did the person like their portrait?  Did they actually look that way or were they just being flattered?  What was going on while the picture was being painted?

I find that it's really hard to know someone at first glance, and that includes the person in the mirror.  I recently had a few... I wouldn't say "life changing" experiences or anything that might equate to an "epiphany," but I think that in the last few days, I've changed for the better.  I've always been self-conscious, worried about whatever people think of me, and I do stand sort of awkwardly in the presence of new people.  But the problem is that I've been comparing myself to my family - or more specifically, my brothers.

My oldest brother is living in another province, both paying for himself and putting himself through college.  My other brother is just about to start a family.  Even my friends have all at least moved out of their parent's places.  I've often felt a little... well, not depressed, but at least a little saddened knowing that I've not even graduated yet and I'm still living at home.

Most of my friends can tell you, I'm horrible with money.  Like... really, bad.  Which is why they never should've given me a credit card.  But they did, and it didn't turn out so well.  I got in over my head.  However, like everything else in the world, everything happens for a reason.  One of my prime philosophies.  Another one of my prime philosophies came into effect after I lied about my debt to those that were trying to help me: karma.  After a few phone calls from people that wanted me to pay them for my services, they began to suspect something was wrong.  But because for fear of letting them down, I began to sell my things to pay for myself.

Let me explain something - I've already said I'm self conscious, and most of what I do is to make people smile.  Whether that's because I always want to see everyone happy or whether it's because I'm worried people won't like me, letting people down - especially my parents - feels like shit.  It makes me feel lower than anything else in the world.  I could be battered and bruised and still, disappointing someone is worse.  So informing my parents of my mess was out of the question, until the mess got too big for me to clean up.

I've recently told them after a small fight.  I told them that I smoke, I told them that I'm in debt, I told them everything I hid from them for fear that they'd get mad at me - and yes, I did feel like shit.  But at the same time, they were able to help.  My dad gave me the money I had been saving, while my mom was there to help with my homework.  While I feel like shit, I'm right now learning about life.  Because even though something is going to suck - like absolutely, totally and unerringly suck, sometimes you have to just deal with it instead of putting it off.

I have a lot of ideas of who I want to be.  I have a whole slew of them - maybe I can be an interior designer, maybe I can get to work with children, maybe I can be a famous writer; I wanna move out, I wanna graduate - hell I just want some friends to come out with me to go see Watchmen.  But until I actually get up and work towards these things, then they're still just wants.  I know what I want, and I know what I don't, and what I don't want is to put myself into another situation where I'm selling my stuff in order to literally pay for my mistakes.  

So I guess, if one day someone sees a portrait of me an art gallery, maybe they might think the same things I did - did I like my picture?  I don't know if I'll like my portrait or not, but I think at some point I'll like the person inside the frame.